Wednesday, September 17, 2003
So, Wait... This Thing Answers Questions, Right?
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Sunday, September 14, 2003
I Knew That George Tenet Was Keyser Soze The Whole Time; I Swear!
As many of us already know, CIA Director George Tenet claimed that he was responsible for President Bush’s inclusion in his State of the Union address this January of bogus information regarding Iraq’s planned purchase of uranium from uranium powerhouse Niger. The CIA is the last line of defense against warmongering psychos who try to include made-up intelligence into otherwise overly-emotional and underly-logical speeches of national importance.
Because of this statement by Tenet, many Americans are learning for the first time about this seemingly-complicated system of checks. In essence, however, the system is quite simple:
1) Speechwriters make up facts.
2) Someone pretends to present those facts to the CIA.
3) The CIA pretends to check their accuracy.
4) Condaleeza Rice goes on TV and dodges the real issue—which is whether the President knowingly included unreliable “intelligence” in a speech whose purpose was to pump up the American people and make a case for war against Iraq—by claiming that the veracity of one particular comment would have neither made nor broken the need for war.
But what many Americans aren’t hearing is that, in the same statement, George Tenet also took responsibility for a host of other Presidential gaffes, most of it not even related to the State of the Union speech. Here are just a few examples:
“I told him to pronounce it nuke-ya-lur.”
In one of the most surprising revelations made by the former Russian spy, Tenet has taken full responsibility for the President’s chronic mispronunciation of nuclear. Tenet said that he was motivated by jealousy, stupidity, disrespect for the president, and a complete lack of concern for the American people.
“I taught President Bush to smirk.”
Tenet continues: “Specifically, I forced him, through blackmail and threats of violence, to make light of the prospect of war and to smirk as much as possible at the conference in the Azores with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, making it appear to the discerning viewer that the thought of sending young men and women off to die in a war did not bother—or even delighted—the President.”
“I’m the one who fell off of that Segway.”
Aha! It was George Tenet who fell off of that Segway last month. Tenet explains: “The Segway is a wonderfully designed machine, and it is nearly impossible to fall of a Segway, but I, with my persistent inner-ear problems, clumsiness, foolishness, and disdain for any form of transportation that doesn’t guzzle gasoline and make oil tycoons richer, managed to lose my balance and fall like a moron to the ground. I hate America.”
“I lied to the American people about a lot of other stuff too.”
George Tenet, it turns out, “willfully and purposefully made statements that [he] knew to be false to rally support for a war against Iraq and, in bad faith, manipulated American public opinion for [his] own personal, political and financial benefit and to draw attention away from more important domestic problems, like a sluggish economy and low consumer confidence, which [he is] completely incapable of handling.” Tenet went on to say that he “should never have been elected,” and that he “should be impeached immediately.”
Because of this statement by Tenet, many Americans are learning for the first time about this seemingly-complicated system of checks. In essence, however, the system is quite simple:
1) Speechwriters make up facts.
2) Someone pretends to present those facts to the CIA.
3) The CIA pretends to check their accuracy.
4) Condaleeza Rice goes on TV and dodges the real issue—which is whether the President knowingly included unreliable “intelligence” in a speech whose purpose was to pump up the American people and make a case for war against Iraq—by claiming that the veracity of one particular comment would have neither made nor broken the need for war.
But what many Americans aren’t hearing is that, in the same statement, George Tenet also took responsibility for a host of other Presidential gaffes, most of it not even related to the State of the Union speech. Here are just a few examples:
“I told him to pronounce it nuke-ya-lur.”
In one of the most surprising revelations made by the former Russian spy, Tenet has taken full responsibility for the President’s chronic mispronunciation of nuclear. Tenet said that he was motivated by jealousy, stupidity, disrespect for the president, and a complete lack of concern for the American people.
“I taught President Bush to smirk.”
Tenet continues: “Specifically, I forced him, through blackmail and threats of violence, to make light of the prospect of war and to smirk as much as possible at the conference in the Azores with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, making it appear to the discerning viewer that the thought of sending young men and women off to die in a war did not bother—or even delighted—the President.”
“I’m the one who fell off of that Segway.”
Aha! It was George Tenet who fell off of that Segway last month. Tenet explains: “The Segway is a wonderfully designed machine, and it is nearly impossible to fall of a Segway, but I, with my persistent inner-ear problems, clumsiness, foolishness, and disdain for any form of transportation that doesn’t guzzle gasoline and make oil tycoons richer, managed to lose my balance and fall like a moron to the ground. I hate America.”
“I lied to the American people about a lot of other stuff too.”
George Tenet, it turns out, “willfully and purposefully made statements that [he] knew to be false to rally support for a war against Iraq and, in bad faith, manipulated American public opinion for [his] own personal, political and financial benefit and to draw attention away from more important domestic problems, like a sluggish economy and low consumer confidence, which [he is] completely incapable of handling.” Tenet went on to say that he “should never have been elected,” and that he “should be impeached immediately.”
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Matthew Tobey
Matthew Tobey, Neal Pollack's guest-blogger for the past two weeks and golden god from City of Floating Blogs, has been mentioning What Would Kofi Annan Do? left and right. It just goes to show that Matthew Tobey is a genius.
Also, J. Daniel Janzen has a great article about Euchre up over at Flak. As a Michigander, I've played my share of Euchre, and Janzen's article makes me want to play more. Janzen also has a Feature in the current Issue of Haypenny, which you should have already read by now.
Also, J. Daniel Janzen has a great article about Euchre up over at Flak. As a Michigander, I've played my share of Euchre, and Janzen's article makes me want to play more. Janzen also has a Feature in the current Issue of Haypenny, which you should have already read by now.
Colleen Haskell is a Flower: A Flower Who'd Better Have Some Good Bodyguards
I'm sure we all remember Colleen Haskell from the first season of CBS's Survivor program. But how many of us are stalking her? More than you'd think.
Just for fun this morning I decided to do a little web work and find out just what's become of America's summer camp girlfriend from Summer 2000. It turns out that she's not up to a whole lot, but, while searching, I did find a couple of funny/creepy/cause-for-alarm-on-the-part-of-Haskell things that I think are worth mentioning.
The first is the following dedication from colleen-a-flower.com that asserts that Colleen Haskell is, well, a flower. I think Yoda registered the domain, though.
This site is dedicated to the lovely former
Survivor castaway, Colleen Haskell. She is
a beautiful woman, yes. But she is much
more than just that; she has the most joyful,
genuine, charming personality that I have
ever seen anyone have. She is simply
entrancing to watch. Her glowing smile is
brighter than the clearest diamond. Just the
sound of her voice can make me smile.
Colleen is as elegant and graceful as...
a flower.
Notice the effective use of ellipses there. "Colleen's a what? She's a what? Tell me!!" Now I'm not saying that Colleen ain't easy on the eyes, but this guy is very, very--and very hilariously--sad.
And then there's this, from this nameless fan site:
This floor plan is from Colleen Haskell's high school. I repeat: Colleen Haskell should be moved immediately to a safe place.
Two Other Quick Things:
1. This article asserts that male scientists and criminals both do their best work before their mid-30s and that it's probably to attract women. Satoshi Kanazawa, of the University of Canterbury in New Zealand, says: "They do whatever they do in order to get laid."
The unanswered question: Does it work?
2. Sorry these posts have been kind of short and disjointed and inconsistent. I started a new assignment this week and so I've been writing and posting from a computer lab in a high school in Detroit Public Schools, while trying, at the same time, to ignore the students. I'm sorry: "...to ignore my students."
Just for fun this morning I decided to do a little web work and find out just what's become of America's summer camp girlfriend from Summer 2000. It turns out that she's not up to a whole lot, but, while searching, I did find a couple of funny/creepy/cause-for-alarm-on-the-part-of-Haskell things that I think are worth mentioning.
The first is the following dedication from colleen-a-flower.com that asserts that Colleen Haskell is, well, a flower. I think Yoda registered the domain, though.
This site is dedicated to the lovely former
Survivor castaway, Colleen Haskell. She is
a beautiful woman, yes. But she is much
more than just that; she has the most joyful,
genuine, charming personality that I have
ever seen anyone have. She is simply
entrancing to watch. Her glowing smile is
brighter than the clearest diamond. Just the
sound of her voice can make me smile.
Colleen is as elegant and graceful as...
a flower.
Notice the effective use of ellipses there. "Colleen's a what? She's a what? Tell me!!" Now I'm not saying that Colleen ain't easy on the eyes, but this guy is very, very--and very hilariously--sad.
And then there's this, from this nameless fan site:
This floor plan is from Colleen Haskell's high school. I repeat: Colleen Haskell should be moved immediately to a safe place.
Two Other Quick Things:
1. This article asserts that male scientists and criminals both do their best work before their mid-30s and that it's probably to attract women. Satoshi Kanazawa, of the University of Canterbury in New Zealand, says: "They do whatever they do in order to get laid."
The unanswered question: Does it work?
2. Sorry these posts have been kind of short and disjointed and inconsistent. I started a new assignment this week and so I've been writing and posting from a computer lab in a high school in Detroit Public Schools, while trying, at the same time, to ignore the students. I'm sorry: "...to ignore my students."
Friday, September 5, 2003
If jesus were alive today, he'd hang out at the yo-yo store
Tuesday, when I arrived on campus, I was greeted outside the parking structure by an old gentleman passing out free copies of the New Testament. This is, I'm sure, a fairly common scene on most college/high school campuses. I just waved my hand and said "no thanks" before he got a word out. I would have explained to him that I don't want one primarily because I already have more Bibles than I can read and that if his goal is to reach the unsaved, he could spend his Bibles more wisely on people who aren't already Christians, but I decided that I preferred to make him think I was some self-righteous atheist.
Anyhow, later on the same day, I happened upon a most interesting scene: in one of the "commons" types areas on campus - you know, with the benches and the fountain and so on - I saw a gentleman yo-yoing in front of about four PA speakers that were blasting Christian pop music. I could tell instantly that it was Christian pop because the vox were mixed right out in front and the message was uplifting. The guitars were distorted, but not in a caution-to-the-wind kind of way, but in a very boring, very sterile Good Charlotte kind of way. Also, I became instantly aware that, outside of the context of some sort of Christian "ministry", there would be absolutely no cause for anyone to ever perform solo yo-yo tricks in front of giant PA speakers while several other people "warmed up" behind him. I recalled my days on my church's mime troupe. We would do mime skits to present the gospel. That's right. Mime.
Now, I did some searching on the web and by process of elimination (or whatever it's called when there's only one of something so that thing must be the one you're looking for) I concluded that it must've been The King's Yomen.
"Holy shit! Watch out - he's got a yo-yo!"
I certainly don't want to make fun of these folks - no, strike that: I do, but I won't - because I can't fault somebody for using their talents to try to spread a positive message, particularly in a world so bleak. In fact, maybe it's folks like the King's Yomen, who seem totally misguided and naive to folks on the outside, who have everything figured out. "War? Recession? Pestilence? Whatever. I'm just going to yo-yo and think about Jesus." What could be better?
Due to my extensive Christian mime background, I'm totally aware of how far-fetched and cheesy some of the "skits" or "messages" can be. In that spirit, I've decided to take a stab at writing some yo-yo-is-like-[some aspect of Christianity]-type one-liners that I'm sure you'll love.
* Walking with Christ is like walking the dog...
* God's love comes with no strings attached, unlike my yo-yo which has one string attached.
* Jesus is like a Duncan Cold Fusion Yo-Yo and Satan is like a Green Duncan Imperial. I mean, seriously... okay?
* Remember when I tried that Hoopla earlier but I flubbed the dismount? That's like when we sin.
* In the Bible, Jesus says, "no man cometh unto the Father except by me." Now I'm going to Rock the Baby.
By the way, I'm not sure if "King's Yomen" is some bible pun that I should get, but I don't get it. Does anyone?
Either way, I need to read the Bible more and brush up on my Yo-Yo tricks.
Anyhow, later on the same day, I happened upon a most interesting scene: in one of the "commons" types areas on campus - you know, with the benches and the fountain and so on - I saw a gentleman yo-yoing in front of about four PA speakers that were blasting Christian pop music. I could tell instantly that it was Christian pop because the vox were mixed right out in front and the message was uplifting. The guitars were distorted, but not in a caution-to-the-wind kind of way, but in a very boring, very sterile Good Charlotte kind of way. Also, I became instantly aware that, outside of the context of some sort of Christian "ministry", there would be absolutely no cause for anyone to ever perform solo yo-yo tricks in front of giant PA speakers while several other people "warmed up" behind him. I recalled my days on my church's mime troupe. We would do mime skits to present the gospel. That's right. Mime.
Now, I did some searching on the web and by process of elimination (or whatever it's called when there's only one of something so that thing must be the one you're looking for) I concluded that it must've been The King's Yomen.
"Holy shit! Watch out - he's got a yo-yo!"
I certainly don't want to make fun of these folks - no, strike that: I do, but I won't - because I can't fault somebody for using their talents to try to spread a positive message, particularly in a world so bleak. In fact, maybe it's folks like the King's Yomen, who seem totally misguided and naive to folks on the outside, who have everything figured out. "War? Recession? Pestilence? Whatever. I'm just going to yo-yo and think about Jesus." What could be better?
Due to my extensive Christian mime background, I'm totally aware of how far-fetched and cheesy some of the "skits" or "messages" can be. In that spirit, I've decided to take a stab at writing some yo-yo-is-like-[some aspect of Christianity]-type one-liners that I'm sure you'll love.
* Walking with Christ is like walking the dog...
* God's love comes with no strings attached, unlike my yo-yo which has one string attached.
* Jesus is like a Duncan Cold Fusion Yo-Yo and Satan is like a Green Duncan Imperial. I mean, seriously... okay?
* Remember when I tried that Hoopla earlier but I flubbed the dismount? That's like when we sin.
* In the Bible, Jesus says, "no man cometh unto the Father except by me." Now I'm going to Rock the Baby.
By the way, I'm not sure if "King's Yomen" is some bible pun that I should get, but I don't get it. Does anyone?
Either way, I need to read the Bible more and brush up on my Yo-Yo tricks.
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Aw, Man! Already $400 With 5 Days Still To Go; I'm Never Going To Own One Of These Logs!
I might as well just give up now. There's no way that I'm going to win any of the e-bay autions for Survivor: Amazon memorabilia. All of the proceed go through the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation, so you'd normally assume that this type of activity would be beyond reproach. But as my 8th grade Algebra teacher used to say and partially write on the board (to help make the meaning clear): "When you ASSUME, you make an ASS out of U and ME."
Mr. Macarbry, may you rest in peace, and if you're still alive, may your old collapsing body and surely frightful appearance and hellish odor not be too displeasing to those around you as they attempt to quietly kill you.
And you have made an ass out of yourself if you assumed that this Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation was up to nothing but good. I did a little bit of digging and I found out that this elusive "Elizabeth Glaser" person not only exists, but is also not even a child!
If my sources are accurate, at least one of these three women is Elizabeth Glaser. Do any of these women look like children to you? Do you think any of these women suffers from Pediatric AIDS? Is there even such a thing as Pediatric AIDS? The answers to these questions all resoundingly support whatever unstructured attack against the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation I may be launching.
What makes this all worse is that Survivor: Amazon is not Elizabeth Glaser's only victim. The cast of Friends have all designed chairs which were subsequently made by La-Z-Boy and are now being auctioned off (only three of each design) to raise money for these Elizabeth Glasers. Below are the Friends' chairs, followed by some less impressive chairs that are, as far as I can tell, still available.
Mr. Macarbry, may you rest in peace, and if you're still alive, may your old collapsing body and surely frightful appearance and hellish odor not be too displeasing to those around you as they attempt to quietly kill you.
And you have made an ass out of yourself if you assumed that this Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation was up to nothing but good. I did a little bit of digging and I found out that this elusive "Elizabeth Glaser" person not only exists, but is also not even a child!
If my sources are accurate, at least one of these three women is Elizabeth Glaser. Do any of these women look like children to you? Do you think any of these women suffers from Pediatric AIDS? Is there even such a thing as Pediatric AIDS? The answers to these questions all resoundingly support whatever unstructured attack against the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation I may be launching.
What makes this all worse is that Survivor: Amazon is not Elizabeth Glaser's only victim. The cast of Friends have all designed chairs which were subsequently made by La-Z-Boy and are now being auctioned off (only three of each design) to raise money for these Elizabeth Glasers. Below are the Friends' chairs, followed by some less impressive chairs that are, as far as I can tell, still available.
Thursday, May 8, 2003
Some Quick Shamelessness!
I'll be putting up a real post later (probably), but I wanted to point you to some things that make me look cool.
First of all, Ben Hammersley has mentioned Haypenny (the best site in the world, where I also happen to be an Editor) in an article today at Guardian.
Second of all, Matthew Tobey gave what would kofi annan do? a real nice shout out in his blog, Matthew Tobey in the City of Floating Blogs.
And thirdly, if you didn't read the interview that Claire Zulkey did with all four of us Haypenny Editors on her website, Zulkey.com, then you should do so now.
Keep the dream alive.
First of all, Ben Hammersley has mentioned Haypenny (the best site in the world, where I also happen to be an Editor) in an article today at Guardian.
Second of all, Matthew Tobey gave what would kofi annan do? a real nice shout out in his blog, Matthew Tobey in the City of Floating Blogs.
And thirdly, if you didn't read the interview that Claire Zulkey did with all four of us Haypenny Editors on her website, Zulkey.com, then you should do so now.
Keep the dream alive.
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