Newsflash: Coalition Forces May Be Slightly Unfocused

It seems, for the most part, that Coalition forces have won in Baghdad, but we seem to be getting a pretty mixed message from the administration on where things stand. Some members of the administration suggest that we have not yet "won" the war, while other members of the administration, under the premise that we've won, seem to be calling for apologies and explanations from all the folks who suggested that war might not be as easy as everyone thinks.

A lot of this confusion boils down to Coalition forces wanting to avoid the responsibilities involved with being an occupying power. These responsibilities include (from Reuters):


    ARTICLE 50 says the occupying power must "facilitate the proper working of all institutions devoted to the care and education of children."

    ARTICLE 55 says the occupying power, as far as possible, "has the duty of ensuring the food and medical supplies of the population; it should, in particular, bring in the necessary foodstuffs, medical stores and other articles if the resources of the occupied territory are inadequate."

    ARTICLE 56 says the occupying power "has the duty of ensuring and maintaining, with the cooperation of national and local authorities, the medical and hospital establishments and services, public health and hygiene in the occupied territory... Medical personnel of all categories shall be allowed to carry out their duties."

    ARTICLE 57 says that the occupying power is solely responsible for "stealing" all of the "shit" in the occupied country, and for "raping" or, at least, "brutalizing" the population.

    But ARTICLE 60 warns that the occupying power must "lay off, bro" and that the occupying power should "check itself before it wrecks itself."

    But then ARTICLE 63 be all "you don't know that population... you don't know that population!"

    Shit, so ARTICLE 67 be like, "Man, fuck this noise, bitch" and "I'm outta here."

    "What the fuck?" declares ARTICLE 70.


Until "victory" is declared, however, these articles do not apply. So in order to prolong the "campaign" side of the conflict, the Coalition has issued playing cards to troops with the names and faces of the most wanted folks. It seems, at first, like a good idea, but upon further inspection of the cards, it appears the whole thing may just be a stalling tactic, or some sort of wild goose chase:




    We all know that Luscious Jackson's international track record is not stellar, and I'm sure they've had their fair share of shady dealings with Saddam and his regime, but come on! Does anyone really believe that Luscious Jackson belongs in the top 52? This is unjustifiable.



    Actually, upon a little further research, this one is completely justified. Rule of the Bone was pretty much an instruction manual on suicide bombing. Let's go, US and UK; let's get Russell Banks!



    As far as I can tell, our government wants to paint the lovely Allison from Joe Millionaire as a terrorist simply because she refused to "fall" for "Evan" just because cameras were rolling. Her blatant disregard for consumer culture and her complete lack of respect for infalable television has made her the target of hundred of thousands of U.S., British and Australian troops. What, aren't there enough Iraqi women to rape?


Come on, Coalition forces, let's get our shit together and end this thing already! And if you do run into Allison, give her a good rogering for me, will ya?