Thursday, April 17, 2003

I Like My Billionaires Living, My Dieticians Healthy And My Friends Anglo

I Like My Billionaires LivTherefore, today is the absolute worst day of my life. I'm trying to piece it all together. I've been pacing since I woke up at 4 o'clock this morning. I awoke to my neighbor pounding on my door, delivering all the bad news. I've already smoked a pack-and-a-half of Pall Malls and I've consumed all of the coffee in the house.

There has to be some sort of connection. There must be a mastermind behind all of this. Days like today (with the death of John Paul Getty II, the death of Dr. Robert Atkins and the addition of Dr. Aisha Tyler to the cast of Friends--click on images above for CNN coverage) don't just happen; they're crafted.

It's days like today that make me question everything I believe. The events of Thursday, April 17, 2003 will always be remembered for causing me to question the following beliefs, copied right out of the manifesto I had to write for an assignment in a high school composition class:

    4. I believe that the rich don't die.
    13. I believe that diet and exercise can prevent slip-and-fall.
    103. I believe that Friends will always appeal to me, because I am a horrible racist.
    188. I believe that... Billionaires? Pshh... Who needs 'em?
    212. I believe that Aisha Tyler already has a job: it's that late night talk show where one time she made out with Leah Remini. Am I making this up?
    231. I believe that Jimmy Carter has forgotten his grudge against John Paul Getty II and Dr. Robert Atkins and has also stopped thinking of feindishly clever ways to kill someone.

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