Thursday, April 24, 2003

Live from Long Beach!

I'm in Long Beach, California right now, blogging from the upstairs of an Internet Cafe that my friend Rachel told me was a gay internet cafe. I'm not sure if the internet here is gay or the coffee, or this tall drink of water Scott who's sitting on my lap gently suckling my earlobe, but the Chai Lattes here are to die for.
Easter night I boarded a Greyhound bus with a friend. Just 58 hours later, we had arrived in Los Angeles, California. I finished three books: Make Believe Town by David Mamet, A Good Man Is Hard To Find by Flannery O'Connor and The Dog of the South by Charles Portis. I recommend each of them. I completely forgot, however, to stay on top of the news. In such a newsy time in world history, that's totally unforgivable.
So what I've decided to do is craft my own version (having still not read a newspaper, or so much as flipped past the news on television--for all I know, SARS has killed everyone back home) of the news, using my experiences on the bus as sort of a guide. Here, for your edification, is the news from the last two days:
Late Sunday, April 20
It's almost one in the morning. A very, very fat Colin Powell boards enters the Oval Office, dragging behind him a quarrelsome three-year-old Donald Rumsfeld. Donald begins to ask (and does not stop for some time) why Colin Powell is "not driving the train." "Why ain't you drivin' the train, Momma?"
"Ain't you gonna drive the train, Momma?"

Monday, April 21
During a seven-hour respite from fighting, troops in Baghdad decide to lock their Army luggage up in the world's largest coin-operated Army locker and step outside of the Army depot for a smoke. Upon seeing the neighborhood, they quickly board an Army taxi and fly uptown to the barracks of their friend, Sgt. Derek. Even though they woke him up at oh five hundred hours, he was still nice and hospitable and even took the troops out to breakfast.Eventually, the troops had to return to the Army depot, where the fighting was about to begin again. When they did, it took far too long for the fighting to begin and the directions were not all that clear.
In other news: President Bush makes short work of Make Believe Town and Vice President Dick Cheney takes a pretty big bite out of The Jungle.

Tuesday, April 22
If my creativity serves me, Tuesday was a pretty big day in the news.Of primary importance, Jay Garner took over both seats in front of the President and the Vice President, even though he'd only paid for one seat, and put both seats as far back as they could possibly go, thereby earning himself lots of "accidental" bumps from the First and Second knees.
Also: Condoleeza Rice, Tom Ridge and Saddam Hussein (also known as the creepy pool-championship-attending threesome from Boston) continued to spill shit all over the floor of world politics all day, getting the First and Second carry-on bags very messy.

Wednesday, April 23
You know what, I was falling in-and-out of sleep all days as we drove around Los Angeles. Also, I can't keep this joke up any longer. Sorry.

Tomorrow I hope to post a little bit on the fun I'm having in California. I have to come back here anyway to pick Scott up for our date.

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