Announced on or near April 13 -- the anniversary of the birth of Thomas Jefferson -- the Jefferson Muzzles are awarded as a means to draw national attention to abridgments of free speech and press and, at the same time, foster an appreciation for those tenets of the First Amendment. Because the importance and value of free expression extend far beyond the First Amendment's limit on government censorship, acts of private censorship are not spared consideration for the dubious honor of receiving a Muzzle...
This year's recipients include US Attorney General John Ashcroft, the 107th US Congress, Mayor Tom Bates of Berkeley, California and others.
Friday, April 18, 2003
Newsflash: Coalition Forces May Be Slightly Unfocused
It seems, for the most part, that Coalition forces have won in Baghdad, but we seem to be getting a pretty mixed message from the administration on where things stand. Some members of the administration suggest that we have not yet "won" the war, while other members of the administration, under the premise that we've won, seem to be calling for apologies and explanations from all the folks who suggested that war might not be as easy as everyone thinks.
A lot of this confusion boils down to Coalition forces wanting to avoid the responsibilities involved with being an occupying power. These responsibilities include (from Reuters):
ARTICLE 50 says the occupying power must "facilitate the proper working of all institutions devoted to the care and education of children."
ARTICLE 55 says the occupying power, as far as possible, "has the duty of ensuring the food and medical supplies of the population; it should, in particular, bring in the necessary foodstuffs, medical stores and other articles if the resources of the occupied territory are inadequate."
ARTICLE 56 says the occupying power "has the duty of ensuring and maintaining, with the cooperation of national and local authorities, the medical and hospital establishments and services, public health and hygiene in the occupied territory... Medical personnel of all categories shall be allowed to carry out their duties."
ARTICLE 57 says that the occupying power is solely responsible for "stealing" all of the "shit" in the occupied country, and for "raping" or, at least, "brutalizing" the population.
But ARTICLE 60 warns that the occupying power must "lay off, bro" and that the occupying power should "check itself before it wrecks itself."
But then ARTICLE 63 be all "you don't know that population... you don't know that population!"
Shit, so ARTICLE 67 be like, "Man, fuck this noise, bitch" and "I'm outta here."
"What the fuck?" declares ARTICLE 70.
Until "victory" is declared, however, these articles do not apply. So in order to prolong the "campaign" side of the conflict, the Coalition has issued playing cards to troops with the names and faces of the most wanted folks. It seems, at first, like a good idea, but upon further inspection of the cards, it appears the whole thing may just be a stalling tactic, or some sort of wild goose chase:
We all know that Luscious Jackson's international track record is not stellar, and I'm sure they've had their fair share of shady dealings with Saddam and his regime, but come on! Does anyone really believe that Luscious Jackson belongs in the top 52? This is unjustifiable.
Actually, upon a little further research, this one is completely justified. Rule of the Bone was pretty much an instruction manual on suicide bombing. Let's go, US and UK; let's get Russell Banks!
As far as I can tell, our government wants to paint the lovely Allison from Joe Millionaire as a terrorist simply because she refused to "fall" for "Evan" just because cameras were rolling. Her blatant disregard for consumer culture and her complete lack of respect for infalable television has made her the target of hundred of thousands of U.S., British and Australian troops. What, aren't there enough Iraqi women to rape?
Come on, Coalition forces, let's get our shit together and end this thing already! And if you do run into Allison, give her a good rogering for me, will ya?
A lot of this confusion boils down to Coalition forces wanting to avoid the responsibilities involved with being an occupying power. These responsibilities include (from Reuters):
ARTICLE 50 says the occupying power must "facilitate the proper working of all institutions devoted to the care and education of children."
ARTICLE 55 says the occupying power, as far as possible, "has the duty of ensuring the food and medical supplies of the population; it should, in particular, bring in the necessary foodstuffs, medical stores and other articles if the resources of the occupied territory are inadequate."
ARTICLE 56 says the occupying power "has the duty of ensuring and maintaining, with the cooperation of national and local authorities, the medical and hospital establishments and services, public health and hygiene in the occupied territory... Medical personnel of all categories shall be allowed to carry out their duties."
ARTICLE 57 says that the occupying power is solely responsible for "stealing" all of the "shit" in the occupied country, and for "raping" or, at least, "brutalizing" the population.
But ARTICLE 60 warns that the occupying power must "lay off, bro" and that the occupying power should "check itself before it wrecks itself."
But then ARTICLE 63 be all "you don't know that population... you don't know that population!"
Shit, so ARTICLE 67 be like, "Man, fuck this noise, bitch" and "I'm outta here."
"What the fuck?" declares ARTICLE 70.
Until "victory" is declared, however, these articles do not apply. So in order to prolong the "campaign" side of the conflict, the Coalition has issued playing cards to troops with the names and faces of the most wanted folks. It seems, at first, like a good idea, but upon further inspection of the cards, it appears the whole thing may just be a stalling tactic, or some sort of wild goose chase:
We all know that Luscious Jackson's international track record is not stellar, and I'm sure they've had their fair share of shady dealings with Saddam and his regime, but come on! Does anyone really believe that Luscious Jackson belongs in the top 52? This is unjustifiable.
Actually, upon a little further research, this one is completely justified. Rule of the Bone was pretty much an instruction manual on suicide bombing. Let's go, US and UK; let's get Russell Banks!
As far as I can tell, our government wants to paint the lovely Allison from Joe Millionaire as a terrorist simply because she refused to "fall" for "Evan" just because cameras were rolling. Her blatant disregard for consumer culture and her complete lack of respect for infalable television has made her the target of hundred of thousands of U.S., British and Australian troops. What, aren't there enough Iraqi women to rape?
Come on, Coalition forces, let's get our shit together and end this thing already! And if you do run into Allison, give her a good rogering for me, will ya?
Thursday, April 17, 2003
I Like My Billionaires Living, My Dieticians Healthy And My Friends Anglo
I Like My Billionaires LivTherefore, today is the absolute worst day of my life. I'm trying to piece it all together. I've been pacing since I woke up at 4 o'clock this morning. I awoke to my neighbor pounding on my door, delivering all the bad news. I've already smoked a pack-and-a-half of Pall Malls and I've consumed all of the coffee in the house.
There has to be some sort of connection. There must be a mastermind behind all of this. Days like today (with the death of John Paul Getty II, the death of Dr. Robert Atkins and the addition of Dr. Aisha Tyler to the cast of Friends--click on images above for CNN coverage) don't just happen; they're crafted.
It's days like today that make me question everything I believe. The events of Thursday, April 17, 2003 will always be remembered for causing me to question the following beliefs, copied right out of the manifesto I had to write for an assignment in a high school composition class:
4. I believe that the rich don't die.
13. I believe that diet and exercise can prevent slip-and-fall.
103. I believe that Friends will always appeal to me, because I am a horrible racist.
188. I believe that... Billionaires? Pshh... Who needs 'em?
212. I believe that Aisha Tyler already has a job: it's that late night talk show where one time she made out with Leah Remini. Am I making this up?
231. I believe that Jimmy Carter has forgotten his grudge against John Paul Getty II and Dr. Robert Atkins and has also stopped thinking of feindishly clever ways to kill someone.
There has to be some sort of connection. There must be a mastermind behind all of this. Days like today (with the death of John Paul Getty II, the death of Dr. Robert Atkins and the addition of Dr. Aisha Tyler to the cast of Friends--click on images above for CNN coverage) don't just happen; they're crafted.
It's days like today that make me question everything I believe. The events of Thursday, April 17, 2003 will always be remembered for causing me to question the following beliefs, copied right out of the manifesto I had to write for an assignment in a high school composition class:
4. I believe that the rich don't die.
13. I believe that diet and exercise can prevent slip-and-fall.
103. I believe that Friends will always appeal to me, because I am a horrible racist.
188. I believe that... Billionaires? Pshh... Who needs 'em?
212. I believe that Aisha Tyler already has a job: it's that late night talk show where one time she made out with Leah Remini. Am I making this up?
231. I believe that Jimmy Carter has forgotten his grudge against John Paul Getty II and Dr. Robert Atkins and has also stopped thinking of feindishly clever ways to kill someone.
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
More Damaging Violations Of U.N. Resolutions From (And Of) Secretary Powell.
Before you go scratching your head, wondering how I, a lowly blogger, could have access to such sensitive information, keep in mind that this site is in no way affiliated with U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan and that I was lying when I claimed to be the Celebrity Mole. The truth is that during my hiatuses, I've been flying top-secret UB40 flights over my own home in an effort to protect it from yellow boxes and scary words.
My efforts have of course been futile. Take a gander at these disarmingly scary images that will, in a matter of seconds probably, be confiscated by the Department of State and plucked from the web never to be seen from or heard of again. Enjoy them while you can.
Sorry to blow your socks clean off, but when one comes across information as valuable and as shocking as this, one pays no attention to socks or to whether things are being blown off. One acts. And one acts courageously. You're welcome.
My efforts have of course been futile. Take a gander at these disarmingly scary images that will, in a matter of seconds probably, be confiscated by the Department of State and plucked from the web never to be seen from or heard of again. Enjoy them while you can.
Sorry to blow your socks clean off, but when one comes across information as valuable and as shocking as this, one pays no attention to socks or to whether things are being blown off. One acts. And one acts courageously. You're welcome.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
I'm *cough, cough* Back...
Sorry that it's been so long since I've posted. I've been really busy with things that don't necessarily involve this blog and therefore, aren't really that important.
And to be honest with you, it's been very hard dragging myself out of bed today to blog when all I can think about is poor, poor, beautiful, smart Allison and how stupid Joe Millionaire is.
God, I'm going to need a day to deal with this. In the meantime, please read the links on the left. Or, you can read about how much Michigan's roads suck and craft some sort of an argument whereby you prove that ex-Governer John Engler isn't a total douche.
From Michigan's website:
Governor Engler spoke at a meeting of the American Association of State Highway and Transportation Officials in Washington, D.C. where he also received the President’s Award from the Foundation for Pavement Preservation for saving Michigan nearly $100 million in transportation projects during his tenure as governor.
Wow! He saved us all that money! Think of it: saving money and shitty roads and bridges! Somebody pinch me!
Or maybe you can spend the next day, whilst you await my glorious and misdirected and ambiguously-slanted return, trying to put into words what I'm feeling about the Iraq situation. It essentially breaks down like this:
1. We think he has something.
2. But we can't find it.
3. And he won't admit that he has it.
4. So the only reasonable explanation is that he's lying.
Where I come from, this is called "assuming what you've set out to prove,"
...although sometimes it's called a Kyle Masterson, because ol' crazy Dr. Masterson used to do that all the time, so we named it after him. He also has public urination named after him...
...and it's not very logically sound.
But what do I know? I don't read newspapers.
I'll be back in full force soon.
And to be honest with you, it's been very hard dragging myself out of bed today to blog when all I can think about is poor, poor, beautiful, smart Allison and how stupid Joe Millionaire is.
God, I'm going to need a day to deal with this. In the meantime, please read the links on the left. Or, you can read about how much Michigan's roads suck and craft some sort of an argument whereby you prove that ex-Governer John Engler isn't a total douche.
From Michigan's website:
Governor Engler spoke at a meeting of the American Association of State Highway and Transportation Officials in Washington, D.C. where he also received the President’s Award from the Foundation for Pavement Preservation for saving Michigan nearly $100 million in transportation projects during his tenure as governor.
Wow! He saved us all that money! Think of it: saving money and shitty roads and bridges! Somebody pinch me!
Or maybe you can spend the next day, whilst you await my glorious and misdirected and ambiguously-slanted return, trying to put into words what I'm feeling about the Iraq situation. It essentially breaks down like this:
1. We think he has something.
2. But we can't find it.
3. And he won't admit that he has it.
4. So the only reasonable explanation is that he's lying.
Where I come from, this is called "assuming what you've set out to prove,"
...although sometimes it's called a Kyle Masterson, because ol' crazy Dr. Masterson used to do that all the time, so we named it after him. He also has public urination named after him...
...and it's not very logically sound.
But what do I know? I don't read newspapers.
I'll be back in full force soon.
Thursday, January 9, 2003
When Stars Fall From Sight... This Is Where They Crash (Sometimes As Many As Fifteen Years Later).
While I'm taking a break from taste-testing microwave popcorn, searching through my closet for my hallowed "television pants" (a dubious invention that, by some definitions, isn't even considered pants) and de-lousing my couch all in preparation for tonight's premiere of The Surreal Life on the WB, I thought I'd take a second and share some thoughts about it.
You see, VH1 and E! and other clever networks of the sort have done something truly incredible: they've actually trained us to be interested in starts before or after they're even stars. It strikes me as miraculous that anyone anywhere ever convinced anyone to be interested in another person--the whole notion of celebrity completely mystifies me. That said, I can at least appreciate interest (my own interest included) in "celebrities" during their tenure on my television screen, or in my CD player, or in my books (ha! books!), but I'm totally absolutely blown-out-of-the-water confused that I'm been taught to be fascinated with the lives of ex- or pre-famous people. What the fuck?!
Ex-Famous People shows I like:
Star Date - I watched the Kim Fields one and I loved the hell out of her.
Behind the Music - Constantly begging the question, Behind the Music tends to succeed more often at showing us all what's next to the music, or on top of the music. That said, have I ever missed one? Of course. Am I proud of that? Of course not.
True Hollywood Story - True Hollywood Stories sometimes make me nostalgic for when I was super rich and spoiled and irresponsible.
The Surreal Life - TiVo is all set up.
Pre-Famous People shows I like:
Survivor - I don't care what anyone says; I'm a Survivor nut. Anyone who tells you differently either doesn't know me or is lying to you.
Joe Millionaire - This show was every bit as awesome as I hoped it would be. I think there needs to be more bickering. More bickering and more explanations about how a "construction worker" only makes $19,000 per year.
Sorority Life - I hated college. And I'm happy to watch someone else hate it. After all, what else would I watch--music videos?
American Idol - I didn't think Kelly was going to win, but I was really glad that she did. Way to go, Kelly!
(I remember hearing once, and I'll never remember who said it, that having so much choice is essentially like having no choice at all. For example, I have hundred of channels to choose from. I've got all this "choice" but what does it translate to? I've in essence lost the freedom to choose not to watch. This show was a lot like that for me: "Wow! I've got all these people to choose from to be my American Idol? How will I ever decide?" And I never even had a choice as to whether I thought I needed an American Idol or not.)
I guess what makes me sad is that, I like to watch the ex-celebrity shows and convince myself that these people are happy not being famous. These shows like to paint ex-celebs as being poor and hungry and desperate for any attention they can get. And I, like all Americans, enjoy that picture; I like believing that these people who were once mega-famous and had everything in the world are now just groping for any attention I might be able to spare them. Of course, I usually tend to believe that it's just a creative and fun fiction, and that in reality these people are well-adjusted and back to being normal people.
Then Danica McKellar shows up on The West Wing.
Then Hulk Hogan starts pitching 10-10- numbers.
Then a show like the Surreal Life comes out, and it becomes less and less a "creative and fun fiction" and more and more real, and therefore, more and more sad.
You see, VH1 and E! and other clever networks of the sort have done something truly incredible: they've actually trained us to be interested in starts before or after they're even stars. It strikes me as miraculous that anyone anywhere ever convinced anyone to be interested in another person--the whole notion of celebrity completely mystifies me. That said, I can at least appreciate interest (my own interest included) in "celebrities" during their tenure on my television screen, or in my CD player, or in my books (ha! books!), but I'm totally absolutely blown-out-of-the-water confused that I'm been taught to be fascinated with the lives of ex- or pre-famous people. What the fuck?!
Ex-Famous People shows I like:
Star Date - I watched the Kim Fields one and I loved the hell out of her.
Behind the Music - Constantly begging the question, Behind the Music tends to succeed more often at showing us all what's next to the music, or on top of the music. That said, have I ever missed one? Of course. Am I proud of that? Of course not.
True Hollywood Story - True Hollywood Stories sometimes make me nostalgic for when I was super rich and spoiled and irresponsible.
The Surreal Life - TiVo is all set up.
Pre-Famous People shows I like:
Survivor - I don't care what anyone says; I'm a Survivor nut. Anyone who tells you differently either doesn't know me or is lying to you.
Joe Millionaire - This show was every bit as awesome as I hoped it would be. I think there needs to be more bickering. More bickering and more explanations about how a "construction worker" only makes $19,000 per year.
Sorority Life - I hated college. And I'm happy to watch someone else hate it. After all, what else would I watch--music videos?
American Idol - I didn't think Kelly was going to win, but I was really glad that she did. Way to go, Kelly!
(I remember hearing once, and I'll never remember who said it, that having so much choice is essentially like having no choice at all. For example, I have hundred of channels to choose from. I've got all this "choice" but what does it translate to? I've in essence lost the freedom to choose not to watch. This show was a lot like that for me: "Wow! I've got all these people to choose from to be my American Idol? How will I ever decide?" And I never even had a choice as to whether I thought I needed an American Idol or not.)
I guess what makes me sad is that, I like to watch the ex-celebrity shows and convince myself that these people are happy not being famous. These shows like to paint ex-celebs as being poor and hungry and desperate for any attention they can get. And I, like all Americans, enjoy that picture; I like believing that these people who were once mega-famous and had everything in the world are now just groping for any attention I might be able to spare them. Of course, I usually tend to believe that it's just a creative and fun fiction, and that in reality these people are well-adjusted and back to being normal people.
Then Danica McKellar shows up on The West Wing.
Then Hulk Hogan starts pitching 10-10- numbers.
Then a show like the Surreal Life comes out, and it becomes less and less a "creative and fun fiction" and more and more real, and therefore, more and more sad.
Tuesday, July 9, 2002
Two Recent Children's Books Bestsellers: Immature Humans Everywhere Learning How To Read With Help From Very Simple Works of Prose Fiction
The summer of 2003 will always be remembered as the summer when children and children-like adults everywhere got swept away by two wildly entertaining works of magical fiction. Of course, I'm talking about J.K. Rowling's action-packed fantasy Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and Ann Coulter's Treason, a hilarious novel about a magical world where everything is black and white and there's always only one solution to any problem and anyone who disagrees with today's administration (not the last one and not the next one) is unfoundedly and beyond-stupid-ly guilty of a very serious crime whose specific definition does not even apply in said cases. Doesn't that sound magically unbelievable?
In J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix young wizard Harry Potter still, somehow, after four adventures, hasn't quite settled into a wizard groove yet. Therefore, misadventure follows. It's delightful when mysterious and magical things happen to Harry and his friends.
Ann Coulter's Treason is about a most-likely-a-speed-freak would-be housewife who attends Cornell and a top ten Law School and some how magically avoids learning anything about Logic (the book's antagonist) anywhere along the way. After having graduated from a very liberal Law School that's mostly hype, the book's heroine, Little Annie O'NotAsPrettyAsEveryonePretends, realizes that she just spent seven years of her life biting her ignorant tongue, wanting to speak up and challenge the dreadful Logic monster. From there, she embarks on a life-long quest to destroy anything that bows to Logic. I don't want to give away the ending, but it definitely involves embarrassment and Annie's much anticipated return to the righthand side of Satan.
If you're interested in finding out more about these two great summer reads for your uneducated, socially immature children, check out some of the reviews. J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Something or Other is getting pretty good reviews almost everywhere. And Ann Coulter's Treason, though probably recommendable for a younger age group than Potter, is a fantastically amazing work of fiction that explores a world so unlike the real world that you wonder how Ann Coulter could have dreamed it up. Some critics, like Brendan Nyhan over at Spinsanity, have some pretty negative things to say about the book, though; it's almost as though he doesn't know it's a work of fiction! Duh!
Enjoy your summer reading, kids.
In J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix young wizard Harry Potter still, somehow, after four adventures, hasn't quite settled into a wizard groove yet. Therefore, misadventure follows. It's delightful when mysterious and magical things happen to Harry and his friends.
Ann Coulter's Treason is about a most-likely-a-speed-freak would-be housewife who attends Cornell and a top ten Law School and some how magically avoids learning anything about Logic (the book's antagonist) anywhere along the way. After having graduated from a very liberal Law School that's mostly hype, the book's heroine, Little Annie O'NotAsPrettyAsEveryonePretends, realizes that she just spent seven years of her life biting her ignorant tongue, wanting to speak up and challenge the dreadful Logic monster. From there, she embarks on a life-long quest to destroy anything that bows to Logic. I don't want to give away the ending, but it definitely involves embarrassment and Annie's much anticipated return to the righthand side of Satan.
If you're interested in finding out more about these two great summer reads for your uneducated, socially immature children, check out some of the reviews. J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Something or Other is getting pretty good reviews almost everywhere. And Ann Coulter's Treason, though probably recommendable for a younger age group than Potter, is a fantastically amazing work of fiction that explores a world so unlike the real world that you wonder how Ann Coulter could have dreamed it up. Some critics, like Brendan Nyhan over at Spinsanity, have some pretty negative things to say about the book, though; it's almost as though he doesn't know it's a work of fiction! Duh!
Enjoy your summer reading, kids.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)